Five things Suarez can do with his hands.

Written by The Editor on . Posted in Features, Football

Friday night’s World Cup quarter final match between Ghana and Uruguay was an epic. There was action from start to finish in a match that had Africa and the world at the edge of their seats. 1-1 after full time, and still undecided as extra time drew to a close, Ghana then released a header goalwards. The keeper was nowhere, the South American’s defence was in tatters, and for that split second it looked certain that the Black Stars would be going through to the semi-finals. But then out of nowhere that cheating peasant Luis Suarez took the matter into his own hands by making a goal keeper save to deny the Africans glory.

That's not how you play football.

Sure he was instantly red carded and Ghana were awarded a penalty, but this single act was the most under-handed and darn right despicable show of unsporting conduct seen since one of those Chappell brothers bowled an underarm ball to avoid losing a cricket match .

Put your hands down you prick.

So what should be done with scandalous Suarez, he will not play in the semi-finals, but that isn’t justice for me. TheBounce has decided to compile a list of jobs appropriate for this douche bag where he can put his hands to good use and maybe then he will realise that football is called football for a reason.

Barry Rongue’s personal masseur / physical comforter.

Ooh, hello...

Want to really put your hands to good use, well rubbing, pressing and stroking big Barry Rongue is a brilliant start. Oh yes, this Uruguayan can utilize his money makers in a very special way and will be just the thing for Barry come extra time. Suarez would be a very naughty 9 out of 10 in no time at all.

Rural circumcision specialist

Time to bring confidence back to getting the snip - bring in the famous hands of Dr Suarez.

Each year in South Africa we see the innocent young victims of botched circumcisions on the news. It breaks my heart it does and it makes me think that if there was just a guy with a steady hand and a bit of professionalism, tragedy could be avoided for these young men. So, somebody give Dr Suarez a ten blade and throw him deep into the rural Eastern Cape. He could be a handy addition to the region for sure.

Traffic light accessories salesman

One match ban, pretty sure a fair amount of World Cup gear could go through his dodgy hands.

Especially at Joburg intersections, you need some pretty decent hands to display your goods as you walk up and down the lanes with phone chargers, ear-phones, flags, blue-tooth kits and hats. Salesman Suarez would be a handy addition to the lights, he could probably even flog a few Uruguayan team shirts, you wouldn’t be surprised if he nicked them when his mates were in the showers.

Out-Surance pointsman

Putting Suarez into a busy intersection - great idea.

Here’s another public service role, slimey Suarez can help direct traffic with his world famous hands at busy intersections during peak hour traffic. Motorists then get the added value of shouting abuse at him and perhaps throwing a bit of excrement his way as they pass on their merry ways.

Horse seaman collector

Get it in there son - Suarez would score here every time.

Suarez is known for his robust playing style and ability assert himself in the penalty area. Right so he would be great at guiding a big stallion into the cock holster used for “milking” prized specimens. Yup this is a job for someone with a strong yet sensitive touch and giant douche Suarez is just the sort to be hands on here.

If you have any other ideas of how Luis Suarez could put his hands to better use, then please feel free to drop them into the comments box below. We are all about being helpful at TheBounce and seeing as this Uruguayan striker will be sitting out the next match, it is important that he keeps himself busy while being in out fine country. As the saying goes, idle hands do the devils work.

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