That gang of crazies, the ICC, recently released a best Test XI of all time and it didn’t include Jacques Kallis. The team was formed by reader votes on their website, but rather than issuing a statement that all those who voted were cricketing heathens who clearly don’t know shit from shoe polish when it comes to the best that ever played the game, they strapped their name onto it and published it.

Jokers.

Now I’m not even going to bother displaying this said ‘best’ team as quite frankly it is a joke; it is like publishing a book on the best ever sports car makers and leaving out Ferrari. So, if the ICC are going to have a laugh and post these ‘fantasy teams’, we are going to do the same. Gentlemen and ladies, I present the ‘Best Hair XI’ of all time.

I have to confess, I am writing this with a slight shake of excitement in my fingers ‘cause the players I’m going to present before you now are nothing short of legendary. Now I think it is imperative to make it perfectly clear straight away that when it comes to the Best Hair XI, we are talking quality over quantity. So this is no pecking order for the rough and ready Aussies like Merv Hughes and David Boon, nor some toss pot peroxide parade for the likes of Shane Warne and Kevin Pietersen. This is the real deal, the untouchables, the players who made hats the enemy and glamour and verve as much a part of the game as the sweaty box of a centurion.

1: Mike Haysman


Now you’re probably thinking, Aussie Mike wasn’t an opening batsman, and you would be right. But in a team like this you need business up front and with the Haysman mullet that is exactly what you will get. A handy top order batsmen with a tidy first-class record, the golden locks of one of cricket’s nice guys is an essential opener for this team.

2: Manoj Prabakhar


There was something ever so distinctive about Manoj, sure he was utilized as both an opening batsman and bowler, but it was undoubtedly his ‘do’ that really set him apart. Some say his hairstyle lived in the shadow of the more flashy Kapil Dev, but where Dev’s do was flamboyant and almost showman like, Prabakhar oozed authority earning him the respect of the youngsters, and the quiet admiration of the elders.

3: Jacques Kallis


You will battle to have a world’s best anything without King Kallis, the ICC made that mistake, but we surely won’t. Even in an XI focused on follicles, JK comes out tops as what he brought to the party late 2010 was the stuff of legends. Growing up on a strong foundation of a 90s middle parting, JK started to let slip and was for a few years further away from this list than Michael Atherton was from the top 5 most charismatic captains. But like the true champion that he is, he took on a new age rug and came steaming in to bowl with hair for the wind to go through and further reason for his fans to rejoice in his all round incredibleness.

4: Barry Richards


He only played four Tests but averaged 72 with two 100s and two 50s. First-class, his legend is even more flattering scoring 100 before lunch on nine occasions with more than 1000 runs scored in 15 seasons. The man was majestic with the bat, and the hair, well the hair was nothing short of devastating as well.

5: Jonty Rhodes


Jonty was the cover boy example of the gifted school boy. This wasn’t because his balls hadn’t dropped by the time he made it onto the big time, or that he couldn’t hold his beer, oh no it was his hair that did it and still to this day gives him a youthful look which he has used to chase many a chick with. A thick expanse of bushy blondness, the cereal bowl looked to have been employed to craft it early on, but as his career developed so did his hair style which added to his sharpness at backward point.

6: Kapil Dev


If this man’s career had extended into the new millennium, then a series of hair products would have been a certainty. Every so often in life you are presented with an offering that seems to just defy the everyday and what you thought was possible, and with Kapil’s do you have just that. Could you imagine how difficult it must have been for the umpires to give a not out call while he was bowling! The quintessential all-rounder, he also added a striking moustache for good measure making him a star player in this incredible XI.

7: Imran Khan (C)


He was a fearless leader, a ruthless all-rounder, and can you bet your shampoo and conditioner set that he was a legend in the locks as well. Imran (like Kallis) is an essential cog in just about any World XI, but in this one he is also the captain as his hairdo brings with it that perfect balance of authority, poise and flamboyance. Imran was an icon of the 80s, and paved the way for other Pakistanis to dazzle the cricketing world with their jet black dos. Not content with conquering the sporting world, Imran elevated himself and his do into politics after retiring from cricket where he was equally revered as a prominent leader.

8: Shahid Afridi


Perhaps a little low down the batting order but every bit as important as the rest, Afridi needs no introduction to this all-star line-up. He could well have fallen into the grease trap which has claimed many of his countrymen, but he took a softer more holistic approach to his hair whereby he has not only made it the cornerstone of who he is as a cricketer, but also what he does as a cricketer with the customary teasing with the fingers taking him to the lofty heights of Pakistani captain. Every test side needs a spinner, and once Shahid is done sweeping his fingers through his hair, he will turn the odd ball with them too.

9: Richard Snell


It could be said that the inclusion of more than one specialist middle parting in the Hair XI is a bit risky, but leaving out Richard Snell would be a travesty. Where Richard perhaps could have achieved more as a talented strike bowler, he sure as Studio 5 couldn’t have done more on the hair front. He relied on bounce when bowling, something which his hair managed to maintain pretty much all the way into his follow through, leaving the batsman mesmerized and quite often a little distracted. Effective in short bursts with the new ball and then again with the reversing old one, Snell and his middle parting provide a serious two prong edge to this team

10: Javagal Srinath


Just when you thought Prabahkar and Dev had sewn up the sophisticated look of the sub-continent, Javagal Srinath comes along and adds a little bit of extra zip. Much like his bowling, his hairstyle was traditional and reliable, but just offered that little bit extra which always made him someone you couldn’t help but notice. He takes the new ball in this team and never needed to wear a cap when retiring to 3rd man in between overs.

11: Mike Whitney


We round the team off with a bit of a surprise choice, left arm swinger Mike Whitney from Australia gets the nod here and that is because he offers a little something different. Whitney sported a do that could only be classed as a Wafro – and it was beautiful. With the substantial talent already in this line up, Whitney almost goes under the radar, but we all know that people like that are often the most dangerous and successful in top class sport.

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