Dear Australasialand – time to speak Rugby right.

Good day bottom corner of the earth dwellers, hope you and your sisters are well. It has come to my attention of late that your understanding of the game of rugby is becoming worryingly blurred with all kinds of other things. During SupeRugby matches  all manner of ‘concerning’ phrases are popping up and I fear unless the straight and narrow is brought back into sight soon – disaster will be the only outcome. With Argentina now entering our rugby circles we also don’t want to run the risk of confusing them with any of this sillyness.

Now I don’t mean this with any disrespect naturally, not at all. I mean, this isn’t really your fault. Your convict pasts and constant chore of drinking your women pretty doesn’t exactly aide in the process of being concise or knowledgeable. Not to worry though – TheBounce is here to help.

Below I’m going to list a variety of phrases where you have been going wrong, explain the actual definition of the words you have been using (so you see the error) and then provide you the correct term. With this simple formula you’ll be speaking proper rugby in no time at all. So let’s get started.

Football

Right, so the game in question here is Rugby. A marvelous game said to be started when a chap by the name of William Webb Ellis found football a little girly (don’t we all…) so he decided to pick the ball up and run with it.

This brings us to our first correction lesson – you seem to call ‘Rugby’ – Football! Now I don’t think Mr Ellis rolled up his sleeves and picked the ball up that day only for you to keep calling the game he created by the name of the game he hated. Why you choose to spit in the face of this is beyond me – you then even insist on putting a working class spin on it by shortening it to ‘footie’. Please stop it immediately. Football is the world’s most popular sport played by cheats and men with greasy hair who swear at the ref. Rugby is a game played by gentlemen (yes, you lot can pass as gentlemen at times) and the two should never be confused.

A footballer

People who play rugby are called rugby players, or quite simply, ‘player’ works when speaking within a rugby context as specifying the type of player he is then becomes redundant. People who play football are known as footballers, easy one really as the ball they play with is in constant contact with their feet hence the name of the game they do this in.

Calling a rugby player a footballer is just silly and a little bit disrespectful. Even a flyhalf in rugby who kicks the ball a lot should never be called a footballer. They still primarily catch, pass and run with the ball and of course put their bodies on the line to make tackles which requires their arms – hence he is called a rugby player.

The pill

Rugby is a game played with a rugby ball. Not hard really, when in doubt just refer back to the name of the sport when considering what to call the type of ball used. A pill, well those are small things that you generally swallow for medicinal or recreational purposes.

As you can see they are rather different things so shouldn’t be confused. If you want to simplify things and just use a one syllable word as you insist on doing with ‘pill’, I think you will find the word ‘ball’ satisfies that urge quite well. In some extreme cases you have been known to again refer to the rugby ball as a ‘football’. Again, read the ‘football’ paragraph above to remind you why this should be avoided.

The paddock

Rugby is played on a field. Rectangular in shape it is quite simply a purpose built piece of grass used for the game of Rugby. A paddock is an area used by horses.

As rugby players and horses are again rather different things, it is an easy one to tell one from the other. Rugby games are never played in paddocks and apart from the Crusaders pre-match entertainment, a rugby field is generally no place for a horse to perform on.

The oval

The term ‘Oval’ is also used from time to time by you lot to describe the playing area of a rugby match. This of course is a shape very different to that of a rectangle and refers to the ground upon which the sport of cricket is played.

Cricket being a summer sport played with a very small ball that gets hit by two players at a time – I’m sure again you won’t find it too difficult to tell apart in future.

The park

Similar to the above two, ‘the park’ gets a lot of airtime. A park is a communal recreational place found in cities frequented by people for picnics, walking their dogs and playing informal games of all sorts. A rugby field on the other hand is the place for 30 rugby players, a referee and two touch judges. You may not just decide to take your dog for a stroll upon it or pop a picnic out on the halfway line so you can watch the kickoffs. It’s a rugby field – simple.

First 5/8^th

This is more focused on the New Zealanders. I don’t quite know where to start with you here. You seem to enjoy crapping on about your backline players as mathematical fractions. I have tried to see why you do this but I’m at a loss, a Kiwist even explained it to me once but it still didn’t make sense. There are 7 players in the backline, 7 out of a team of 15 with 8 forwards. The flyhalf wears the no.10 on his jersey and is traditionally the first receiver so this equation then means… he’s the bloody FLYHALF!

Second 5/8^th ? Third 5/8^th ? Are you trying to have a laugh?

Yes you live in a small country most famous for a movie about a small boy with a troubled ring, but making up names for positions is not going to suddenly make you any more interesting or likeable.

There are a couple other phrases here and there, but let’s not get too carried away just yet. Let’s focus on getting the key ones above right during the playoffs in SupeRugby over the next few weeks, then come the start of the Rugby Championship we’ll be good to go.

As you are all born from a culture of opportunists and drinkers, I know it comes naturally to cut corners and make things up in an attempt to communicate, but please, seeing as we are all together on this SANZAR ship, let’s just respect the basics and move on from there. Your plucky senses of humour and casualness in delivery will always make you stand out and be seen as unique, butchering phrases is just simply not necessary.

Bring on the Rugby Championship!